Smoke & Tears
by madisoncunningham1
Summary: Through the Smoke and Tears, his whole life started flashing before him and his problems which faded, seemed to come back full force. When the PTSD gets the best of him one guy has to make a choice between life love and family.
1. Chapter 1

**Dick Wolf owns all rights to the characters and the shows... I only own this idea and all others.**

Jay laid asleep in his bed. He dreamt of him and Erin having kids, then his dream was ruined a by a nightmare that soon had taken over his brain and thoughts. He tried shaking his head to get rid of it but they were too strong. The nightmare blasted his mind like a bomb. He opened his eyes and for a moment he felt safe to go back to sleep then the thoughts kept ripping through his mind like a tornado. He closed them once more and this time he couldn't shake his head awake or do anything about it but try to forget it. His mind wandered and his breathing kept getting heavier and heavier each minute.

" _Jay Jay wake up. We We gotta go." His friend Mouse shouted as he shook his friend awake. Jay opened his eyes and looked over at his nightstand. He fumbled with his gun then put on his holster sitting right next to the firearm. He got up and put his boots on then grabbed the gun and the holster and put it on his belt._

 _He followed Mouse out of the barracks and they both stopped for a moment. "Mouse what are we doing?"_

" _We've got a mission… They need you.." Jay sighed, He wanted this deployment over with, he needed it over with. He couldn't stand staying in this country one more day but he was here. Jay climbed into the humvee and started breathing heavier and heavier._

" _Jay it's all gonna be alright." Mouse reassured him. His last deployment he was held at gunpoint. He almost let the guy pull the trigger if it hadn't been for Mouse being right there. Saved his life. Ever since then he'd been scared to go out on another mission. It only made him push himself to keep going._

 _Jay sighed and grabbed his gun and walked out of the humvee ready to fire at anything that was near. He heard a couple bombs go off miles away but kept his head straight and stayed to the path. Mouse pushed him back once he heard the bombs and the noises get closer to him._

" _You're not going anywhere Halstead. Not without me." Mouse said_

 _Mouse paused then walked in front of him once the smoke cleared. They noticed a tall man standing there with a grenade and RPG in his hands. Jay's eyes widened as he looked at all the man in his unit. Not knowing how to handle it, he lifted his rifle in the air and put his finger on the trigger. Mouse looked at him and nodded. "Jay pull it.. You're gonna get us all killed.."_

 _The man put the RPG down then took out a pistol before Jay could fire, the man shot the pistol straight at the unit. Everybody fell to the ground. No one knew who was hit or what had happened. Mouse took the rifle and shot the guy in the head killing him instantly. He looked to his right and saw Jay with a gunshot wound in his chest, it hit the vest but skimmed it and still hit his body._

" _Mouse ju just go without me." Jay spat_

" _I'm not leaving you man. I promised." Mouse said_

" _Mouse go. I'm fine.. I'll be okay.."_

"I'll be okay." Jay said out loud, he didn't realize it he was still stuck in the nightmare. His eyes opened and his breathing started slowing down and he looked up at the clock. 2:00 it read. He looked over at his side and saw Erin lying fast asleep. He didn't want to wake her so he slowly got out of the bed and walked to the bathroom. He looked up at the mirror and saw his face.

"You should have shot the guy when you had a chance.." Jay whispered to himself. His face was full of fear, and nothing in that moment had made sense to him.

Jay raised his arm balled his hand into a fist then his arm went flying into the mirror. At first he didn't realize what had happened until he saw the blood and the broken mirror on his hand. His breathing started getting heavier,He wrapped a towel around his hand and walked out of the bathroom. Jay stood watching his wife still asleep, he wondered how he hadn't woken her up. Jay walked to his side of the bed and grabbed his keys. He didn't bother leaving a note because he knew he'd be back before she woke up.

It was two thirty by the time Jay got to Chicago Med the hospital where his older brother worked. He walked in, with his hand still wrapped with a towel and his mind still wandering with the nightmare lingering in his thoughts. He still couldn't shake it out of his head, and he wondered if he'd ever be able too. Will walked by him and shot him a look.

"Jay what the hell happened?" Will asked

Jay looked up he didn't speak, he just stood there watching everyone go past him trying to save some lives. Jay held tight to his bleeding hand then followed his brother into a room where they could talk, while Will stitched up the wound.

"Did you have another nightmare?" Will asked

"No. I didn't..I mean I did. I got scared. Will they won't stop. I don't know how to get them to stop." Jay spoke for the first time that night, and Will he let go of his hand and wrapped his arms around his little brother holding him tight. Jay sighed

"Jay It's gonna be okay. Does Erin know you are here?"

"No. She doesn't. So make this quick so I can go back to her before she worries, she doesn't need the stress. I don't deserve her, I I don't know why I married her. She doesn't deserve me…" Jay spat

"Oh Jay stop with that bullshit. You do deserve Erin all of people. She's the one you married her for a goddamn reason Jay."

Will let go of his brother and walked outside with him. Jay got into his truck and started driving to his two bedroom apartment. He walked inside and saw Erin still asleep in their bed, he slowly lifted the covers and got into the bed, he closed his eyes ready for a dream but the nightmare took over his thoughts again. This time Erin opened her eyes and looked over at Jay who was sleeping through a nightmare. Though she didn't know it, Erin walked into their bathroom and saw the glass on the ground, trying not to cut herself she walked into the hall bathroom and sat down near the toilet and started throwing up, into it.

The early hours of the morning brought the couple such madness. Neither didn't know what to do with it. Erin finished in the bathroom then laid back down knowing what kind of secret she kept from her husband made her sad that she didn't tell him, but she was trying to figure it out herself.

The morning, came quick. Jay thought. He woke up around 9:00 to the sound of broken glass being pushed into the trash. He immediately knew what his wife was doing and the thought of having to tell her what happened scared him even more. Jay lifted the covers and walked to the door of their shared bathroom. "Erin I'm sorry."

She looked up and saw the fear on his face as he began to mumble. "J-Jay i-it's okay. I don't mind picking it up.." Before he could talk her eyes gazed to the bandaged wrapped around his hand.

"W What happened to your hand? I is that the reason the mirror is broken.." Erin asked slowly trying not to cry. She had no clue what her husband was going through and had more trouble understanding why he wouldn't tell her anything.

"I punched the mirror early this morning. I left around 2 to go to the hospital so Will could stitch it up.. Erin I'm sorry. I should have woken you up earlier. I didn't. I i Didn't know how.." Jay spat

"Uncle Jay, What happened to your hand?" His 16 year old niece asked

"N nothing. It's fine. How did you get in?" Jay asked

"I had a key, Aunt Erin invited me over. She needed to talk. I came in when you were shouting. I'll go. Mom had another fight with Ricky. I can't handle it anymore.." Jess said

"Jess come here.."

Jess walked closer to her uncle and pulled her in for a hug.

"It's all gonna be alright. I promise.." Jess nodded her head and it was buried in her uncle's chest.

"Jay can I talk to you?" Erin asked

"I gotta go anyway. I'm supposed to go help grandpa the the marathon. I just wanted to stop by since Erin wanted to talk. I'll talk later.." Jess sighed then started walking out of the house.

"My PTSD is back. I I don't know. I think something must've triggered it. Erin."

"Jay is that why your hand was like that? Y you punched the mirror. You had another nightmare. You should have woken me up."

"I didn't want you to worry. I'm fine though. It seems to be fine."

"Jay you can't expect me not to worry about you. We're in this together Halstead. If you want to talk about it. I'm here. I always will be. Hank invited us over for dinner. I don't know if you want to go." Erin smiled

"Erin it's not what I want, it's what you want. If my baby wants to go then we'll go. Hank just needs to warm up to me." Jay laughed pulling her in for a hug.

"Jay something is on your mind.." Erin looked up

"Yeah, I just want Jess to be safe. I'm worried about her. Really worried."

"Jay if you want I'll fix the room up. We'll take her in. I mean is it safe with you?" Jay pulled away

"Erin it's not like I'm gonna kill her. I'm fine to have my niece here. Erin you have nothing to worry about."

"I'm just asking calm down feisty." Erin laughed

Jay picked her up with one hand and held her bridal style. "I never got to do this after we got married."

"That's because we spent our honeymoon in the hospital because of your dumbass. You decided to ride the bull. And fall off breaking your leg. I spent the first month of our marriage taking care of you. I guess Women are stronger than men.." Erin smirked then smiled

"Well that's what they say until a man saves them." Erin rolled her eyes

"Well that's true but I saved your ass more than once."

Jay laughed at his wife. He smiled. For once he was actually happy with the way his life was going sure he had some moments. Erin made him happy nothing would make him even more happy than to see her with kids. Little did Jay know. Erin was keeping a secret from him. A secret he'd want to know.

Jay laughed at his wife one more time before pulling her down with him. "Jay watch out." Erin snapped at him not realizing what she was saying

"Erin what?"

"Sorry just watch out. I've got a baby growing in there." Jay's eyes widened. Erin gasped

They both smiled. "Erin.."

"Yeah." Erin turned her head and smiled big.

"So does this mean you're pregnant? Like having a baby?"

"Yes. I'm pregnant. We're pregnant.."

"Baby that is freaking amazing. I'm so happy that we are having a baby. Erin d do you need me to get you anything? Don't you need to go to the doctor? We need to think of nam-" Erin leaned in and kissed him

"Slow down tiger." Erin laughed "I'm only 10 weeks. I already went to the doctor. A week ago once I find out I was pregnant. I didn't tell you because we were both so happy and content with our lives. You were busy with work. I just waited."

"Erin I wasn't gonna be mad. I was happy because I was with you. Erin last night before the nightmare happened. I dreamed that we had a baby boy. With your beautiful blue eyes and he has dirty blond hair. He was our pride and joy. I hope we have a girl though. So I can tell her she's more beautiful than her mom. Erin our kids are gonna be so lucky to have you as mom. Because they won't know how much you love them. How much I love them. Between you and our baby. There's so much love spread out.." Jay smiled

"I hope we have a girl. Not because I want to outrun the boys. Because I've always wanted a little girl I can dress up." Erin chuckled

"If we have a boy. Let's name him Brandon, and if we have a girl Lydia after my mom.."

"I like that Jay. Lydia and Brandon.."

Erin smiled "I love the name Brooklynn. I also love Chase." Jay laughed

"I had a buddy named Chase. H HE died in Afghanistan. I also had a buddy Brandon.. That's why I suggested it. I don't care if we don't decide on those names."

"How about Brandon Chase. That way our little guy had a piece of both of them. Lydia Caroline.." Erin hugged her husband tightly

"I like that. Lydia Caroline… Erin. I love you so much."

The day passed by quickly. They talked about their future and how it was going to be. Both of them were excited. Erin especially. She was lucky to have Jay.

Jay went to sleep peacefully and quiet. He wasn't even thinking about any of his old nightmares that haunted him. Usually. His thoughts were happy, he was thinking about his baby and Erin. Until The name came up in his head again. It ripped through his mind, twisting and twirling like a tornado would tearing down houses.

" _JAY!" Chase shouted_

" _I'm down Kidd." Jay shouted moaning_

" _Oh no you're not Halstead. C'mon get up. I'm not losing you and Brandon on the same day. Get your ass up." Chase said as he picked up his best friend._

 _The thought of dying didn't evencross his mind. He didn't care. He wanted to keep going._

" _You need to go to get to the medic Jay. We are both screwed if we don't get you there." His eyes closed slowly. It became more of a dream not a memory._

 _Jay laid in a hospital bed. He still hasn't woken yet. He didn't know where he was. At this point he probably didn't care._

 _His eyes open_

his eyes opened and Jay jumped up. "Oh my gosh." He said before slowly lying back down.

Erin was a hard sleeper but this time she somehow woke up. She looked over and saw Jay.

"A are you okay?" She asked

"I I don't know. I had another nightmare. I I'm going for a ride."

"Jay don't do anything stupid." Erin said before falling back down asleep.

He didn't know where he was going. All he knew he was going somewhere's. He got into his truck and the music came on. It was a song he'd heard before he just skipped the channel when it came on.

Jay sat back and started driving to the cemetery. Once he got there he got out and walked to where both of his friends were buried. Right next to each other. He looked at both of the names and burst into tears.

He sat down and felt Chase's name. "I miss you buddy. If I have a son. I'm gonna name him after you. I can't believe you are gone. You were supposed to get married. You were supposed to have kids. But instead you're here. I don't understand why. At first I didn't and I still don't. You would have loved Erin. She's beautiful. She's badass, she's kicks ass. She's my best friend, and I never thought I'd find anyone. I did. You should have been my best man. We were invincible. But I should have died instead of you. That should have been me. You should be here. With Lex. I go see her sometimes. She misses you. More than anything. And so do I. Your son. I tell him about you every time I go over there. He's almost ten. He goes 'I wanna be just like you Uncle Jay. And just like Dad.' I smile every time. He's the cutest little kid. Maybe I'll have a son. If I have a girl. She's still gonna be my favorite person. Lex lets me see him. I go over a lot. I invited her to my wedding. I want her to be the godmother. We were both kids with dreams. Mine lasted longer than yours. You left too soon. I miss you brother."

"I knew you'd be here." Mouse said "Erin called me. She didn't know where you went."

"I needed a break.." Jay spat

"You are having nightmares again. You should have told me. You need to go visit Doctor Mayhell."

"I'm fine Mouse. Something triggered it. They came back. I'm fine though. Mouse just leave me alone."

"Jay you are not fine. I know you better than anyone."

"Just go Mouse. Leave me the hell alone. Tell Erin I'll be home."

"Jay I'm not leaving without you. You are coming home."

"Mouse. I'm not leaving." Jay walked forward and pushed him back. Mouse scoffed then started walking away. Mouse knew he couldn't stop him. He didn't know why he even tried.

Jay bent down and touched Chase's headstone.

"I miss you buddy. I'll see you soon I guess. Brandon I miss you too. I hope you're having fun up in heaven. You deserve some peace."

Jay wiped the tears from under his eyes and on his cheeks. He stood there. Then started walking back to the truck. When he got in the same song played. Jay didn't change it.

" _I've seen the light I've seen the darkness only God knows where my heart is."_

Jay knew the song once it came back on. It was the same song he listened to when Chase had died. He kept listening. It finished once he got home. He kept his head up and walked into the door. It had been 4 when he left and it was now 6:30 which meant Jay had to be up for work soon.

"Erin?" Jay asked

"Jay I was worried about you… You've been gone since 4."

"I I'm sorry. I shouldn't have just left. I went to visit Chase." Erin put her hand on his chest and felt his heartbeat.

"Jay it's okay. All that I was worried was because you were so quiet when you left. I wanted you to be safe. Thank god you're. I know you haven't spoken to Mouse. I know you're probably mad. I called him because you weren't picking up the phone."

"ERIN! I'm fine." Jay spat

Erin stepped back. "Jay I was worried I wanted you to be okay and safe. I love you that's why I was worried. Our baby and I needed you to be okay."

 **I don't know what this is.. I kinda came up with it from a book.. About a human and a dog who had ptsd. This is what I came up with... For now it's a One shot.. If you like it and want it to be a story.. I did leave ya hanging with the baby and Jess.. I hope you liked whatever this story is.. Smoke and Tears.. don't be surprised If i turn it into a story.. I do that all the time. And for those who read my stories. Thank you seriously.. Writing makes me so happy.. So**


	2. Chapter 2: Shot from the Trigger

**I am beyond happy about the reviews last chapter recieved. Thank you.. MOre than anything it means a lot when people comment, and say they like it.. I even got a PM about it. That makes my day literally.. The irony I'm posting a chapter of my Jay centric story when a Jay centric episode comes on tonight! Enjoy this chapter!**

-Madison

Jay sat quietly. He didn't know what time it was nor did he want too. Erin had gone to sleep earlier than he did. He stayed up watching tv, fixing the room.

It had only been a month. His nightmares had seemed to vanish into thin air. He hadn't had any. Which excited him.

Jay went to work, and everyone knew about Erin. So naturally everyone was excited for them. Hank put her on desk duty. She wasn't going on any raids, or anything until after the baby came.

His phone had sat next to him, ringing.. Over and over again.. Jay hadn't moved to pick it up. It was his best friend Mouse. Calling him to tell him god knows what. It didn't matter to him. He finally got tired and answered the phone.

"What do you want Mouse?" He didn't know what he was calling about.. Jay only thought it was something good but it was 3 in the morning, so it couldn't have been good.

"Le Lex w was in a car accident.. She's on her way to Chicago Med.. It's bad.."

"W was Chase in the car with her?" Jay asked scared to hear what he was going to answer. It was bad enough the nightmares were coming back at the moment. His PTSD hadn't gone away.

"Thank god No. He's with his grandparents.. They called me because they couldn't get a hold of you. I don't know what you are doing but answer your phone."

"I was watching tv. I only answered you because you kept calling. I'm telling Erin then I'll be on my way. Are Keith and Elizabeth on their way?"

"Y yeah. I told them I'd call you then meet you." Jay ran into the master bedroom where his wife was sleeping quietly.

"Erin." Jay tapped her awake.

"Y yeah baby?" She said softly.

"I have to go to the hospital. Chase's wife is there. She got into an accident. I don't know if you want to come or not. I'm sorry I woke you. I love you baby." Jay bent down and gave her a kiss.

"Jay I'm coming. You don't ever have to be sorry you woke me. We're in this together Jay."

"What did I do to deserve you?" Jay asked

He threw on an Army shirt then threw on his shoes and grabbed his wallet.

Erin put on a shirt then jacket and put on leggings that she hoped fit.

They both got into the car. Jay drove to his asking. It was three in the morning.

"Jay if you don't slow down. Your daughter and I aren't going to make it to tomorrow." Jay stopped the car at the hospital which was weird since his wife just made an announcement.

"Daughter? You're having a girl? We're having a girl?"

Erin smiled and nodded her head. "I went with Kim to the doctor. I wanted to tell you. But that was a good time. The doctor. Told me he could find out the gender."

"I I don't care about that Erin. I'm getting a daughter." His eyes were lit up with so much happiness. Erin hadn't seen since before his PTSD came..

His smile was one she hadn't seen in a while either. Now she realized she missed both of those things.

They both got out of the car and walked inside. "I'm here for Alex Kidd? Car accident brought in?" WILL pointed to the room, with the family standing around

"Jay I know how much you loved her."

"Is she gone?"

"Y yeah."

Keith and Elizabeth walked out of the room to see Jay standing there. "Jay? Come here son."

Jay walked towards Keith and he was engulfed into a hug. "It's been a while."

"Y yeah it has. I've been busy." Jay turned around and pointed to Erin.

"Erin! She's my wife. We are having a girl." Keith smiled

"Son I'm happy to hear you're happy. Chase is over there with Mouse. Lex wrote a will. You're on that will. We were going over it the other day in case something happen."

"What do you mean?"

"She gave Chase to you and your wife.. you're Chase's godfather."

"Chase is mine? Are you sure you don't want him? I mean. He's your grandson."

"Jay, I want him. But Chase and Lex would want you to have him. We'll still see him. I guess we'll call the lawyer. I don't know if your wife will be mad either.."

Erin was walking towards them. She stopped once she saw Jay. "Erin Chase is mine..",

"Hold on. So Chase is your kid?"

"No. Lex and Chase have custody of him to me. Erin I can't just leave him. I mean his grandparents would take care of him. But I want to take him. If you're okay with that.. We're in this together. It's your choice too babe." Erin walked closer and put her hand on his chest.

"If this is what you want then we are doing it. I only want what you want, but Jay you have a daughter coming in a couple of months. I need you here for her."

"She's at the top of my priorities, so is Chase.. He can be her big brother." Jay smiled

Erin smiled, she didn't know Chase but from what she's heard Alex did a great job raising him.

Jay walked towards his nephew and bent down. He grabbed his arms and smiled. "Chase."

"Uncle Jay!" Chase screamed.

"Hey bud."

"Where's Mom? Is she gonna be okay?"

"Bud listen. Your mom isn't going to be alright. She's not coming back home. She went up to see your dad.. As much as it hurts to say that. I have too. But you're going to come live with Myself and your Aunt Erin. Do you remember her? Well She's my wife now. I know how hard this is.. but Your mom loved you and I love you. Your Aunt Erin is gonna try her hardest, her and I are having a baby."

"Uncle Jay do I get to bring all my toys?" Jay smiled

"Yeah you do bud. Do you want to meet Aunt Erin?"

"Hi Chase…"

"Hi Aunt Erin. Uncle Jay told me great things about you." He whispered into her ear.

"Well I'm glad he's told you good things.. If not he'd be in the dog house huh Halstead?" Erin smiled

"Yeahhh… sadly."

"Chase do you want to go sleep?" Jay asked

"Yeah.."

"I'll pick up some clothes for him tomorrow.. He's got a couple shirts and things at the house still from last time he stayed."

Keith nodded his head. "Hey Chase. I'll see you later bud. Don't worry Mommy is up there watching you I promise bud." Chase stood up and hugged his grandpa then hugged Mouse.

"Erin Can you take him out to the car? I gotta talk with Mouse." Erin nodded her head.

"So Chase, I heard you like to play baseball." Erin bent down and smiled. "I do too." She whispered into his ear.

"Aunt Erin? Do you like my Uncle Jay?" Erin laughed, for a ten year old at almost five in the morning. He was very jumpy. Erin thought.

"Yeah I do. Fun fact kid he snores when he sleeps.."

They both laughed. Chase didn't have a hard time getting used to her. He warmed up quick.. Jay had come out of the hospital. He had driven them home safely. Once they got to their house Chase went into the spare bedroom which would become his room soon enough. Luckily they had another room for their little girl.

"Jay I'm glad we took him.."

"If we didn't.. I would have. Chase deserves a home.. We are going to give him one with Lydia."

"I love you Jay. I know how hard it is to deal with a death. You just gotta tell me. What about Jess Jay?"

"She's staying with Will until she moves out.. Obviously we can't take her in. I mean I just took Chase in Lydia will be here soon.." Jay said

They both went to bed silently. Jay hadn't thought about anything bad but he had been thinking about Chase. His best friend. Both of his best friends gone in the split of a moment. Once Jay got settled he closed his eyes for a good night's rest. Or so that's what he thought he'd be getting. The named ripped through his mind again. His conscious telling him "Don't think about it…" Jay didn't listen he kept thinking about it. Which kept bringing him more pain than happiness.

" _Chase. Chase." Jay shouted throughout the playground._

" _Stop calling me Jay. I'm trying to hide from Lex. Besides go play with Shannon." Chase and Jay both laughed_

" _Chase. Come on." It was a cold winter day, it hadn't begun snowing yet in Southern Chicago. Which surprised everyone.. It was 1988 Jay was back at his childhood playground. little four year old Jay sitting there with his action figures. Chase sat besides him. While Shannon and Lex were running chasing the other kids at the playground. +-+_

 _Their parents were sitting there talking until all of them heard. The sirens. No one wants to hear. The tornado sirens…_ his mind went back to another memory back in his mind.. He was back in 2003.. Where his whole life was ripped apart.

 _He heard the sirens once again, before he noticed where he was.. He was back in Afghanistan. He was sitting in the desert with his rifle in his hand and his dog tags close to his heart._

" _Jay. Get up off your ass. We have things to do.."_

" _You're going to be a dad." Jay said_

" _Yeah I know. Now get up.."_

" _Chase. I'm not mad anymore. I don't care that you like Lex. She's yours now.. I I will take Shannon."_

" _Jay this isn't a tv show you can't get brought back to life. Come on before you get us killed."_

 _Jay got up and went into the building where his Sergeant stopped him._

" _Halstead you Kidd and Walker. You all have a mission." Jay nodded his head_

" _I need sleep."_

" _You'll get it after you finish this." Jay moaned then started walking away towards the humvee. He got in and so did his buddies. They drove to a remote location and waited to get out.. Once they did they blew down the door and shot at the person at the door._

 _After that they checked every room… Jay was shooting then Chase fell at the fault of a terrorist. Jay's eyes widened then he fell with them.. Walker got low and started shooting until he killed all of them._

" _I I need backup. MY friend were shot.."_

Jay's eyes opened and suddenly he was back in the real world, with his wife sitting next to him and Chase was right in front of him.

"Hey bud, what's wrong?"

"I couldn't sleep.." Jay looked at the time and realized it was 7.

"I'm sorry bud how about you and I get up and grab some breakfast… I've got something I wanna show you.."

Jay left a note written for Erin on the counter, Chase threw on jeans and a shirt and his shoes then walked out of the door. Chase went to sit in the back.

"Chase you're ten bud? Sit in the front.."

"What if we get stopped by the cops?" Jay laughed

"Did you forget I am a cop? We'll be okay. I missed you bud."

"I missed you too Uncle Jay. Mommy was getting busy with work so we couldn't come see you. SO Aunt Erin is pregnant?"

"Yeah she is. We are having a girl. I know I'm not your dad, and she's obviously not your mom. We just want you to have a home kid. We aren't trying to take their place."

"I know you aren't trying to take their place. Can you tell me about my dad?"

"He was my best friend, he no matter what would always make me laugh. He was so excited about you. When your mom told him. His smile was from ear to ear. I was smiling too. I grew up with your mom dad and aunt Shannon. So hearing that was exciting. I should have saved him. I could have. I should have." Chase looked over with his face frowning

"Uncle Jay, I know you miss him. I do too. But it happened for a reason that's what my grandpa told me. He was mad but it happened for some reason.. in the end you got me. I can carry on his legacy.. And yours too I guess."

"Well we are here ? Did your mom ever bring you here?"

"No.. she never did. She always told me that she didn't want to see his grave. That it was too much."

Jay turned off his engine then got out. Chase followed him to his dad's grave.

"These two men.. MY two best friends." Chase bent down then looked up at Jay.

"It's okay if you want to cry bud.. That's why I come here sometimes. To cry." Jay bent down and engulfed him in a hug.

"I miss you daddy. Momma went to visit you. Uncle Jay said she's never coming back. That scares me. I'm sorry I never came to visit you. I hope you take good care of her up there. She deserves it. I love you Daddy. If you were still here we would have been best friends.. but I'm stuck with Uncle Jay I guess." Chase started laughing through the tears.

"Chase I miss you so much. Everyday I think about you.. I think about your son.. Erin is having a girl. I never thought I'd be more happier.. then this curveball gets thrown. I'm raising your son, but I'll raise him good.. If i was going to have a son, I would have named him Brandon Chase. I miss you more than anything.. I love you Chase..I'll see you again."

"Uncle Jay why didn't my mom ever take me here?"

"I don't know bud, She wouldn't let me see you for the first couple of months.. When I got back.. She blamed me for what happened.. Since then I've blamed myself. Chase,your mom didn't know what to do. I don't blame her. For a while after it happened. I couldn't sleep." Jay bent down and grabbed his nephew's arms. "I wouldn't eat, I would sit in my apartment all day and watch tv, drink beer. I got into a couple bar fights. I hadn't been that type of guy ever. Until your mom told to act straight.. I got up and got a spot in the Police Academy. Then I became a patrol officer, After that I took the Detective's exam.. I met your Aunt. She made my whole world complete. When I came home that first day your mom let me see you.. My smile was the biggest it had ever been kid. She goes 'I know I'm mad at you but Chase would want you to see him.. As he is your godson.' I was so happy. Chase.. It's okay to be sad about your mom.. I am too. If you ever wanna talk. I'm here always.."

"Uncle Jay,I think Aunt Erin is really nice.. She's a keeper."

"I think she's really nice and pretty too. She's not going to take the place of your mom.."

"I know. So when the baby comes.."

"Hey kid it'll be you and I till the end. Lydia will be the cherry on top.."

Jay and Chase walked back. JAy held him in a hug. Tightly until they walked back to the truck.

Erin woke up not much after he left, and once she did she got scared. She looked over at the note and smiled. " _Chase and I are going to run some errands for my beautiful wife. You and Lydia stay safe. Love Jay and Chase"_

"Uncle Jay I think Aunt Erin would love this." Chase held up a pink onesie that said "Daddy's Princess and Mommy's Mini Me."

"We'll get that. Chase,come with me and pick out a candy or something." Jay's phone rang He smiled at Chase.

"Hey Babe. Anything wrong?"

"No. Nothing is wrong. I just wanted to know when you were coming home. Jay Are you okay?"

"I'm fine.. I'm gonna give Mouse a call.. He deserves it I guess."

"I think he'd enjoy hearing your voice."

"I love you baby. Chase is picking out some food."

Erin laughed "Alright I'll see you in a bit."

Jay smiled at Chase who was trying to pick out his favorite Oreos.

"Momma always let me pick them out. So I decided I wanted some."

"Alright get them. C'mon Bud." Chase laughed

"Can we grab some cereal. I looked in your cabinet. All you had was Special ." Jay laughed

"I think we can get some." Chase picked out his favorite Froot Loops, little did he know it was his uncle's favorite.

The two finished at the grocery store. Then drove home to their house.

"Alright Chase I'm gonna go in unlock the door then be right back out to help you."

"Okay. I'll be okay though." By the time they got home it was mid-afternoon.

"Erin?" Erin walked out of her daughter's room.

"I was looking in her room. She's gonna be so spoiled. She already is." Lydia had already been given dolls and a whole bunch of clothes in the past month.

"She's definitely spoiled. She's our princess." Jay pulled out the onseie from behind his back and showed her

"I got her this.." Erin smiled then started crying.

"Baby don't cry." Jay pulled her in for a hug

"I'm having a baby. With you. I i never thought I'd get here."

"But you're here. With me."

"Uncle Jay." Chase said

"Yeah?"

"Can I join in on the hug." Jay and Erin both smiled

Chase ran toward them and was in the hug. He felt loved.. he felt protected.

 **I am seriously so proud of this chapter.. I tried my hardest to get it alright.. I know it took me a week, I am so busy but I've been writing a lot more.. Those of you who read Life Ain't a Fairytale, I will try to update that one this weekend. Thank you so much for reading last chapter, so many people said continue so here's the second chapter. I know it's probably not what you expected, not what I did either.. I want to get more of this.. Jay's PTSD isn't disappearing anytime soon.. But Would you want more Mouse in the story? More Will? I plan on doing a part where they are in the district..**


	3. Chapter 3: Lost but You Saved Me

A week later. The three sat in the church.

"We are here to honor the life and legacy Alexis Victoria Miller Kidd left in this world. She passed away due to a very bad motor vehicle accident. She was a wife, a mother and a daughter. Her parents Myra and Patrick Miller. Mourn the death of their daughter, and her son Chase. He mourns too." The priest said

Jay looked at Chase who was lying on his chest. Erin sitting right next to him holding his hand, and her family sat on the other side, Jay told Chase he could sit with his family but he said he'd sit with him. Since her death he'd been back to school, but his teachers were taking it easy on him.

Jay hadn't had any nightmares, he had gone and seen Dr. Daniel Charles at Chicago Med. Erin had told him to go,and he listened. It had helped a lot.

"Jay you wanna go talk?" Patrick asked

Jay nodded his head. He got up with his Army Uniform on and he reached up and tugged on his name badge. Then walked up to the altar.. He stood up and looked at everyone there..

"I had been knowing Lex since I was four.. We started in preschool with our best friends Shannon and We dated for a year. Until we broke it off. She was always so happy, she knew how to make me laugh. More than anyone. Her smile was special.. She had something special.. I want her son to always remember her because she was such a nice woman.. She stole my heart. Then she stole Chase's. Now we have that little guy who I'm thankful for.. More than anything. He's been such a champ dealing with this. I know I'm supposed to be talking about Lex. I love you Lex.. I'll miss you more than anything. I love you. Take care of Chase for me." Jay kissed his hand then put his hand on the coffin.

He walked back down and sat back by Erin. Soon after the funeral ended. Jay Erin and Chase left. Jay let Chase stay and talk with his family for a little while.

"Jay, that was beautiful.." Erin said

"Er, I don't want to talk.."

"I understand Jay. If you want too. I'm here. I'll always be here." Jay pulled her in for a hug and held her tight.

"I love you more than anything." Jay said

"I love you too. You just gotta know that I'm not leaving. You're stuck with me until the end. Ain't that right Chase?" Chase was sitting at the table looking at his mom's picture.

"Bud what's the matter?" Chase looked up teary eyed.

"My mom is dead. I can't do anything about it Uncle Jay." Chase spat

Jay bent down and pulled him in for a hug. "It's gonna be alright. We are going to help you through. You gotta know though. Your mom loved you more than anything. More than life. I love you more than anything. My love for you is stronger than my love for Erin because I met you first. The first day I saw you my mind told me 'He's the reason you'll be alive one day' Kid you're the reason I'm still here. You saved my life. You stole my heart first. Chase you're so strong. How about we eat some ice cream?" Chase nodded his head

"I'd like that.."

Erin stood back watching _her_ boys, Chase wasn't hers, but she knew she'd be raising him till he's older.

"Jay,when is his birthday?"

"April 22.. He was born on my birthday."

"That's so crazy." Jay laughed

"Yeah.." It was February which meant his birthday was coming up soon and the baby would be there in no time.

"Erin, I love you." Erin smiled

"I love you too Jay. Chase wanna go get washed up? Before dinner." Chase nodded his head.

"Aunt Erin, is Uncle Mouse gonna come over?" Chase turned around and smiled at the two of them.

"Yeah… I guess he can come over if you want him to." Erin said as she turned around to face Jay.

"I'll give him a call.." Jay hadn't had a conversation with his best friend since the time he told him not to call. Erin knew nothing about it, she didn't push Jay to tell her because he probably wouldn't tell her.

"Erin, can I talk to you.. In the room.. I figured you need an explanation." Erin nodded her head then walked to the room, and sat on the bed next to her husband.

"I don't need an explanation. Only if you're ready to give me one.." Erin said grabbing his hand and holding it tightly.

"I'm ready. You deserve it.. It was right after we came back, from the tour that killed Chase. I came home,I wasn't in a good place. I didn't talk or eat, I just drank. Mouse would be the one to tell me you need to get up. I pushed him back and didn't listen. Will I was pissed at him, I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't eat. I barely slept. I got better with the help of Lex.. It took me a while to listen to anyone. She helped me, then Mouse started slipping down the crack.. I couldn't be mad at him but I I was. He wanted to go back I said I wasn't going. He wasn't going. I was mad because I was going to lose him too. I didn't need another death. When he just upped and left. I was so mad. I didn't call him. He didn't call me. Before he left we had a fight. I told him I wished he died out like he was going to get himself killed. Come back popping pills. Drinking. All of the things I did.. He was going to do. We still haven't had a good conversation since he came back.. I haven't bothered with him. He was selfish.. I can't lose anyone else. I already lost Chase and Lex."

"I had no idea Jay. If you ever need help carrying some of that Jay.. I'm here."

He was carrying a battle no one knew nothing about. Erin wanted to help only if he would let her in.

"Jay I love you. More than anything."

"I love you too Erin. I'm gonna go outside and call him." Jay got up and looked down at his hands which both were shaking. He walked outside and dialed his number.

"Mouse. I I was wondering if you'd wanna come over? Chase wanted to see you, We were going to have movie night.. I always wanted to tell you about something."

"Jay, I'd love to come over.."

Jay smiled for the first time, he looked around and saw Chase standing next to him.

"Uncle Jay did he say yes?"

"Yeah he did bud. What about Pizza for dinner then ice cream and popcorn for a movie? And go look on the netflix see if you find a movie you like." Jay ruffled his curly dirty blond hair,

"Don't touch the hair Uncle Jay." Chase put his hand out

Jay and Erin both laughed. "Jay. I'm proud of you.." Erin walked back into the room and stood there watching the walls and her daughter's name.. Jay and Erin had changed her name to Olivia Camille.

"In a couple of months we'll have her."

"It'll be like Christmas morning.."

"Uncle Jay! Uncle Mouse is here." Jay smiled

"Duty calls right?" Jay said before he walked out of the room.

"Duty calls a little bit early. Go see him." Erin said patting his back. She walked out with him and smiled at Mouse.

"It's been a while.." Jay said before pulling his best friend in for a hug.

"Can we talk Jay? Just us two?" Mouse asked

"Yeah."

"Hey Chase let's pick out the movie. Alright?" Erin chimed and walked to the couch.

"Okay.."

Jay and Mouse walked into the room, and both started talking with each other. "I'm sorry." They both said at the same time

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have acted like that towards you Mouse. Especially after Chase. I just couldn't handle losing someone who meant so much to me. Mouse I'm sorry. I should have just let you go without pushing you to not go. I was angry."

"I shouldn't have went.. I can't run like I used too. I have permanent damage in my leg. It ruined me. I'm sorry for calling you all those things.. It wasn't cool."

"Are we good now?"

"Yeah.. Is Erin pregnant?"

Jay smiled big. "Yeah. She is.. We are having a girl. Olivia Camille is her name. I want you to be The Godfather. I don't know if you want to be but you can."

"Jay I would love to be. That kid is going to be lucky. You two are her parents. When is she due?"

"June 3rd.." Erin said. That was the first time Jay heard the due date and it blew him away. His baby girl, would be born on the day his best friend died.

"Jay did I scare you?"

Jay shook his head. "No.. T that's the date Chase died.. I just realized it.."

"Jay what movie are we watching?" Mouse asked

"Zootopia.. Chase face picked it out."

"Aunt Erin, aren't we having popcorn?" Chase asked

"Yeah. I'll get it." Jay said

"I asked Aunt Erin. Not you." Chase laughed

"You wanna start that game?" Jay bent down and picked him up then hung him upside down.

"Uncle Jay put me down." His face was turning beat red.

"Alright kid. Let's watch the movie."

Chase had fallen asleep halfway through the movie so after a little while Mouse left and Jay carried Chase to his room.

"It was nice seeing you man." Mouse said

"Yeah. You too."

"Erin I'm gonna head to bed.."

"Alright I will too."

Jay went to bed silent, quieter than usual. Erin noticed ever since she told him about the due date he'd been quiet. Not really himself. He hadn't had any nightmares so she wasn't worried.

" _Fuck.." Jay said_

" _I I can't find him. Mouse? Where the hell is Chase?"_

" _How do you want me to know?" Jay looked down at his hands and saw the blood._

" _I I don't know what happened. Chase was by me and I I disappeared. I fell and th that was the last I heard of him."_

" _Jay we need to get you inside. Wh what's wrong with Chase?"_

" _I I don't know Jay." It it was June 3rd and the team had been out looking for a bomber targeting Army camps, when gunshots rang out. Chase being the first hit. Jay made it out with no gunshot. Luckily Jay was okay. But Chase wasn't. Jay had no clue where his best friend was. He sure as hell wanted to know. But no one would tell him the bad news_

 _June 3rd rang in Jay's head, it raced in his mind like a car racing in Daytona. It was pulled. The date never left his mind especially not when his daughter would be born on that date. Oh she could be early went through his mind. Oh she could be born late.. but it didn't matter the date haunted him like ghost. He didn't know what to say._

Jay woke up and sat up in the bed. He looked over at the clock and it was 3 am. The nightmares had begun again. He was clean for a month.. but the came back. It never really leaves.

Jay got up from the bed and walked into the His daughter's room and sat there next to the crib crying. Holding tight to a dress Mouse had bought her.

"I can't wait to meet you. You're going to be so spoiled baby girl. I know you're."

Jay ended up falling asleep in the room. Erin woke up the next morning and didn't see Jay next to her.

"Fuck." She said

She got up and walked out into the hall and noticed her daughter's door opened. Jay was lying on the ground sleeping.

"Jay? Are you okay?"

"What happened?"

"I don't know you tell me? Did you have anoth-?"

"No. I I don't know. J just leave me alone. Go." He snapped

"Jay.. Calm down.. I'm only trying to help."

"You're causing more trouble than helping. Just go." Jay shouted

Erin's eyes widened and she started backing up. He never had one of these night terrors like this. He never blew up on her.

Erin backed out of the room, and went into her room. She dialed the phone and called someone.

"Will. I I need your help. I don't know what to do. He's having another."

"I'll be right there. Just wait for me. I'm calling Dr. Charles."

Jay sat on the floor breathing hard, holding tight to the dress.

Erin walked into Chase's room where he was sound asleep. She smiled then walked back out.

Will and Dr. Charles were both standing in the doorway. "Will.. he's in there. I didn't know who else to call. I would call Mouse but you could help him better."

Will walked over and put his hand on her shoulder.

"Mouse could help better than I can. Mouse knows him better than I do."

"Erin go into Chase's room. I would say lock it but I don't know what he's going to do."

"I I will be fine." Erin said

"Jay. I I'm Dr. Charles. D do you remember me?"

"I guess." Jay said

"I'm gonna need you to tell me what's happening? Can you do that?" Jay nodded his head

"The date.." Jay was starting to come around,and remember what happened. "June 3rd. It was the day my best friend died overseas. And it triggered something. I kept thinking over it. It raced through my mind. It's also the day my daughter is going to be born."

"Okay Jay. You're doing good. Do you know where you are?"

"At home in my baby girl's bedroom." Jay looked around examining it smiling.

"Jay. Great. Are you okay?" Jay's smile disappeared and he looked down

"I thought I was. But I'm not."

"Why's that?"

"I miss him, and Lex."

"Hey that's okay." Jay nodded his head.

"Where's Erin?" He asked

"She's in the kitchen.." Will opened the door and smiled

"He's asking for you." Erin felt relieved. Chase was still sleeping, soundly.

Luckily nothing had woken him up.

Jay stepped back at the sight of Erin but he smiled in relief that she was there. Erin walked closer and put her hand on his chest. Suddenly his heart stopped racing and his mind slowed. She calmed him, at the sight of her his heart and mind made him realize where he was.

Jay wrapped Erin up in his arms and held her tight. "Jay don't scare me like that again."

"I didn't mean too. It just started controlling me." Jay seemed to be calm down. His smile was containing his face.

"Thank god _you're okay_." Erin said holding tight

"Thank you." She mouthed off to Will and Dr. Charles.

"Anytime." Dr. Charles said

"Erin. I love you." Erin smiled and held tight.

"Alright Jay, we are going to go. Call me if you need anything." Will said

Will and Dr. Charles walked out and Jay and Erin were left in the room alone. Erin felt safe, and Jay felt safer.

The next couple of weeks passed, and their whole world was going to be complete in a couple of weeks. Jay went back to work until Erin was due. Luckily Chase was out of school for spring break.

"Alright Chase. I'm going to work. I'll see you three in a couple of hours."

"Alright Uncle Jay. Wait tomorrow is my birthday?" Jay smiled

"Yeah it is. You have to be good so you can get your present from Erin and I." Chase rolled his eyes and scoffed.

"Uh huh. If you roll those eyes again. It'll be the last thing you do kid. I'll see you later. Erin! I love you!"

"Love you." Erin gave him a kiss then Jay went on his way. Jay drove to the district and stared at the picture of him Chase and Erin. His _new_ family.

Hank walked out of his office pissed off and mad. He looked at Jay then looked back at his team.

"What's wrong?" Jay asked

"We've got a raid. I got word from Justin. Olive left him and all. I don't know."

Jay nodded his head grabbed his keys then ran down stairs to put his vest on.

He got into the GMC Sierra and Atwater joined in.

"Thank god you're here. I can't take another day of Ruzek." Jay said laughing

"Me either. Jay how are you doing? April and Maggie has been telling me they've been seeing you a lot more."

"Yeah. I'm fine. I've just been taking extra sessions with Dr. Charles. It's been helping so I guess it's going good." Jay was able to wipe any bad memories off of his mind.

Jay grabbed his pistol from the holster, and started walking away towards the building. He looked through the windows SAW nothing but shattered glass. Which spooked him. He didn't have his partner here and he missed her when she went to work.

A stray bullet went through the window shattering the glass luckily Jay was able to bend down. He looked through and saw a shooter.

"Damn it."

"Jay you okay?" Antonio asked

"I'm fine. Let's get these motherfuckers." Jay spat wiping his face from sweat then walking into the building.

Jay felt a pain in his shoulder that made him drop the pistol. He was hit, with a bullet. Aimed at him. He was hit once more before falling to the ground. Antonio dropped to the ground while Kevin and Adam walked towards the shooter.

"Jay come on. Stay with me man." Antonio said

"I'm hit. Tell Erin and Chase I love them." He said before his eyes shut close.

"Damn it Jay." Adam said

The whole team heard sirens outside.

"Erin." Kevin said on the phone

"Hey Kev."

"Erin where are you?"

"At home with Chase. He and I were about to leave why?"

"You need to come to Med. I'll explain when you get here but it's not good. I can't explain it."

"Kevin tell me now." Erin said

"I'm not doing this on the phone."

"Chase. In the car we have to go to med." Chase got up and walked to the car with no arguments.

"Will, any word?"

"No. He's in surgery. I have nothing. Rhodes is operating. Is Erin on her way? I wanna be the one to tell her."

"She's coming." Antonio looked down at his hands still full of dry blood.

"Where's Jay?" Erin asked, she looked down at Antonio's hands and realized what happened or what probably happened. She grabbed onto Hank who was trying to catch her fall.

She looked at Antonio's eyes and knew something bad happened.


	4. Chapter 4: You Found Love

Erin sat down in a seat and waited. It had only been an hour since Jay was brought in. Her whole world was spinning in circles. She had no clue what she would do without him. If he didn't make it she didn't know how she'd raise her daughter and Chase alone.

Erin looked up as Will stood in front of her. "Will?"

"Yeah.."

"Is he going to be okay?"

"Erin the bullet is lodge far. I don't know how he even made it to surgery. The surgery isn't near being finished."

"Oh." She said

She put her head down and nothing made sense. Not anymore.

"Will I don't know what to do without him. Please save him." She said

"I will. I can't lose my little brother not before he meets his daughter." Erin walked closer to Will and gave him a hug.

"Jay is lucky to have you." Will added

"The day before my birthday Uncle Jay has to get shot. OF course. The day before his birthday. This isn't fair. I was so excited about my birthday party." Erin sat back down and pulled Chase in for a hug.

""Hey kid it'll be alright. I promise. Uncle Jay is going to be alright and he's going to wake up."

"I'm scared though Aunt Erin. He's still in there. Mom died it's only a matter of time before Uncle Jay does."

"Uncle Jay isn't going anywhere I promise. He's the strongest person I know. I promise he isn't." Erin's voice cracked and tears filled her face.

"Erin. Come see." Kevin said

"Yeah?"

"This stress isn't good for the baby." Erin nodded her head.

"I know. I can't help but worry. He's my husband, my best friend my partner if only I had been."

"In there? Are you crazy? Erin you're pregnant. There's nothing you could have done. We'd rather you not be in there. That baby needs to be protected. You going in there would have risked it.. I know how much you and Jay wanted a baby."

"We've waited so long."

"I know you did so come here." Kevin pulled her in and held her tight as she cried.

"Kev, thank you."

"You don't need TO thank me."

WILL walked out and so did Rhodes by this time it was late Wednesday night. Chase was sleeping on the chair and Erin was texting Mouse asking if he could pick up Chase.

"Erin?" Erin looked up and realized who it was. Her eyes adjusted. Her eyes were bloodshot. She looked scared she was scared. She thought what if she was there but she couldn't have done anything. She was pregnant. If she wasn't pregnant. She could have.

Those things were racing through her mind.

"Hank?" Will said

Hank walked over and stood by Erin.

"Jay's fall caused his head to obtain a brain injury. His brain injury well it caused swelling. We don't know the extents of the injury, If and when it will go down. That's not up to us. The bullet hit in his shoulder we were able to get that one out. The one that hit his lower abdomen, hit and was lodged in his left kidney. We were able to locate it but in the process we cut some of his kidney. The recovery of it will be long. We have hope that he'll make it but due to the brain injury I'm afraid he slipped into a coma, and we want him to stay in it, until his brain injury heals. It's only for the best." Erin's heart raced

"Is he going to wake up?" Erin stuttered

"I don't know.." Will said "Er, come here."

Erin walked closer and he pulled her in for a hug. "He's the strongest person I know. He'll wake up."

She was crying, when she walked into his room on the ICU.

"Jay?" He was hooked up to many machines and couldn't respond to anything. She sat down and grabbed his arm. She noticed his necklace with his dog tags and wedding band.

"I know I want you to wake up. I want you to be okay. I want our daughter to know her dad. Know how he makes the best pancakes, how his smile will light up any room. Know how he can make the corniest jokes and still make you laugh. How he loved me. Baby, I need you to wake up. Please. But if you don't want too. You can go. If you're suffering then go. Don't keep the pain going. It'll make it worse. I can find a way to live without you. Without your smile. I know you love me and it might break your heart leaving me but you deserve to stop suffering. These last few months have been so difficult. Jay I love you I really do. I know the PTSD is controlling you. I just wish there was something I can do. I love you. I want you to be better. I heard you talking how you didn't know how you were going to be a dad. When you barely had one. I know Jay, you will be the best dad to Liv. I see how you're with Chase. I love you Jay. Please wake up.."

Hank stood in the door watching in that moment he knew she loved him. More than anything.

"Erin, Chase wants to see you.." Chase stood in the doorway. He wasn't allowed up to the ICU but Will and Connor allowed it.

"Hey Chase." Erin said

"Aunt Erin is he going to be okay?"

"I don't know but I'm hoping he is."

"He's a Halstead. He'll be fine." Chase smiled

"Yeah. I hope." Erin mumbled

Erin turned around and kept staring at her husband. She couldn't help but smile as she thought of so many memories from when they were dating.

 _Jay sat down and smiled st his girlfriend. They were both in Molly's. Surrounded by family. Erin was laughing as Kevin told a joke but it was a distraction. Jay stood up and smiled_

" _Erin I know this is so crazy but." He got down on one knee and started smiling. "Erin I want to marry you in front of our family. I want you to be my wife. I want you to be my last kiss and my everything. Please I want you to be the mother to our kids. I love you. I promise to always protect you." Erin smiled_

" _Yes I will.." Jay got up and gave her a kiss then put the ring on her finger._

 _Erin's smile was so big._

"Please wake up soon. Olivia deserves to know her dad." Erin's voice cracked.

"I know you will. I have that little piece of me that knows you may not.. Just prove me wrong. Okay? Can you promise?" Erin sat down and held his arm tightly.

She hates a hospitals, no matter what reason. She hates them. Everywhere you walk it's just death. She wanted to get the hell out but Jay deserved her here.

" _Jay?" Jay's eyes opened and he was suddenly in a different place._

 _He heard someone call his name. From a far, he recognized the voice. He knew who it was._

" _Chase?" Chase came walking toward him holding Lex's hand._

" _Jay? What are you doing up here? It ain't your time yet. You still have time left. Your daughter is going to be born soon, and Erin needs you."_

" _I don't think it's not my time. I think I got shot for a reason. I need to go. I'm suffering down there. The memories the demons are just taking my life."_

" _Jay you're going to be a dad something I never got to do. I know what you're going through. We promised we'd never leave but that got cut short. I know how you're feeling. Jay you need to wake up for them. We'll meet again someday. Chase is doing great.."_

" _Yeah he is. He wants his dad back but I promised to always tell him about you. He loves Erin. Them two. I love seeing them. She's gonna be an amazing mom."_

" _Jay she's your reason to go back. You finally found someone. You found love.."_

" _You can't just leave her."_

" _It's not like I want to leave her! She's my wife. I don't want to go back if I have to deal with these these demons! They are controlling me!"_

 _Chase scoffed. "You can't let them control you! Take your life back! Your wife needs you. Chase and Liv need you. I know it's hard to hear." Chase looked up at Jay. "Those demons just want to destroy you, kill you. But if you become stronger than them. They can't take over. They can't destroy you. I am gone. That boy doesn't need any more death. Go back for him. I'm not asking you to wake up but Jay he needs a father in his life. If you want to become it. I won't be mad. I will be happy you decided too."_

" _I will go back.. For Chase,For Erin and For Olivia."_

" _You do it tiger." Chase laughed_

" _I missed you. It's been a while." Jay said_

" _It has.. Alright we'll meet again go back."_ Jay was in another place. Chicago Med. the hospital where his brother worked. He wasn't awake, he was lying in a hospital bed with his family surrounding him. It had been a week.. He was up in heaven for a week. He didn't know it, but he was back.

Erin sat by him, holding gripping his hand tightly. "Erin?"

"Yes?" She turned around, her eyes were bloodshot and she couldn't see.

"You need to go home.."

"I can't go home. I need to stay here."

"Erin! He'll still be here when you get back."

"I know. He will be. I can't thinking if he wakes up. Where did my wife go? Is she really my wife?" Erin doubted herself, this was the one time she did. She never thought she'd get married, to anyone much less her partner, best friend and backup. Her father of her unborn baby.. Without him she was something but with him she was complete. Sure she didn't need him but she sure did want him.

Her heart was happy and full. She wanted him awake so he could meet their daughter. So he could take her to her first day of school, practice her favorite sport with her.. Just become her favorite person even though it would hurt to see her daughter love him more.. She knew she still loved her.

If anything she was complete. Please wake up she wanted to scream. Please. She wanted him back in her arms. Awake.. This coma was taking too long. There were talks about taking him off, and letting him wake up on his own but the chances of that were unclear and not very high. She longed for a moment to hug him tightly and tell him how much he means to her with him awake and able to speak back.

Kevin was standing there watching Erin gaze her eyes around the room. Nothing made sense to anyone. Antonio hadn't been to work, he felt bad.. It was his fault this had happened if only he had been there. No one blamed him.

That was the problem about the blame game no one put it on you but it still felt like something. Everyone in the hospital felt like it was their fault. It shouldn't have been me. I could have stopped this. Everyone cried themselves to sleep the day Jay was shot.. The whole district went quiet. It was like the world had stopped.. No one died but everyone was scared that something would happen. It wouldn't be good. Erin was filled with love. She was told how sorry she was. Nothing could make her want to hear Jay's voice more.

Her facebook was filled with love. When she realized where she was again she felt like a knife had just stabbed her in the heart. She was 34 four weeks only six weeks till her baby girl was born. She just wanted her husband back..

Her husband laid in a bed, hooked up to a monitor.. Still six weeks later.. Two months later. Her husband laid in a coma..

Erin was standing by the bed when she felt a sharp pain in her abdomen.. She felt like she was being stabbed by a knife once more.

Suddenly her fall was being caught by Kevin who was standing next to her. "Kev.. I think the baby is coming."

"Hey I'll be by your side.. Even if Jay is still in the coma.. I promised him I'd look after you." Kevin reassured her.

"Kevin? Thank you.." Kevin smiled

"I need my doctor." Luckily Nat was standing by the door, she rushed towards Erin with a wheelchair.

"We got you." Nat said

"How long have you been having contractions?" The doctor asked

"Since this morning. They weren't bad."

It was June 3rd, 9:54 nearly ten o'clock. Nat knew they'd have to deliver the baby soon.

It was 11:20 they had been pushing for almost an hour. Erin looked up at Kevin who was standing beside her.

"Jay is going to wake up.."

At 11:30 pm Olivia Camille Halstead was born to two parents who very well deserved her.

Erin laid in the bed holding her daughter. They all heard some rumor that Jay was okay no one knew. Erin was in her own room to avoid Olivia from going into the ICU which she wasn't supposed to be.

Jay laid in the bed, his family surrounding him as the clock hit 11:58… they lost hope he would wake up before the clock hit twelve.

Erin looked at Hank who was holding his first granddaughter.

"Hey Liv I'm your grandpa.. I promise I'll protect you. I love you very much. Your mom and dad love you more than anything. I promise."

"She's a cutie." Everyone looked to see who was standing in the doorway well sitting. He was in a wheelchair.

"Jay?" Erin said

"Baby? I'm sorry.." Erin got off the bed and ran towards him then hugged him tight.

"Can you slow down?" Erin nodded her head

"Can I hold her?" Hank looked down and handed his granddaughter to his son-in-law. Jay smiled as he looked down on her.

Jay dreamt of this day and it was finally here. He smiled big. HIS smiled stayed that way. His life was complete. He didn't say anything but just looked at her. Like she was the only thing in his life, in the room. Erin noticed a tear fall from his eyes.

"Jay?"

"Hmm?" He looked up and smiled

"I love you."

"I love you too."

 **So I do this everytime, I rush it.. I hate it that I did. I really love this ending part though.. Jay's part when he comes in just kills me. Okay I'll stop but I hope you liked it.. Read and Review! Thank you for the reviews last chapter.. A lot of you think I write Erin better than she's written in the show... That is such a great compliment I don't think I'm deserving of.**


	5. Chapter 5: First Time Feeling

**"She's here and she's mine until the end of time.. All those nights crying made this moment worth it.."**

"Thank you." Erin mouthed to Kevin who was standing by his friend.

"Erin? We make pretty cute kids.." Jay said, then Erin laughed

"I guess we do. She looks like you though. Eyes, nose. She's got your hair.."

"But she'll have your attitude which I wouldn't mind. I love yours."

"Uh huh. She's already got you wrapped around your finger."

"She's had MY wrapped since the day I found out about her."

Jay kept smiling his smile stayed the same way even though he was hurting. Suddenly she made him safe.. It should be the other way around but his whole world was runnin' round but he stayed still holding _his baby girl_.

"Olivia Camille… I could get used to saying that everyday." Jay smiled

"I saw Chase.." Erin smiled

"Yeah he's in the waiting room waiting for you. Wait until I tell him. He'll be so estatic." Erin smiled

"No… the other one…" Erin's faced filled with a bit of happiness and fear.

"How?" Was all she could get out.

"I ended up in heaven.. He told me to defeat the demons.. I am going to, because of her and him.."

"What's today's date?" Jay added

"June 4th.."

"So she was born on the 3rd?" Erin nodded her head

"You're a miracle. You were given to me at the right time."

"Uncle Jay?" Chase said

"Chase?" Jay smiled

"You're alive!" He screamed

"Hey hey Liv is sleeping.." Erin said

Chase laughed. "Thank you Uncle Jay."

"Son I don't know why you're thanking me. I haven't done anything.." Chase smiled

"You taught me how to live without someone.. I still remember her but Uncle Jay you can't leave me. Not yet anyway."

"I'm not allowed to leave yet.." Chase smiled

"Why?"

"Your dad knocked some sense into me. I also saw your mom. She said to give you a big hug."

"Aunt Erin?"

"Yeah kid?"

"Can I hold Liv?"

Chase sat down and Jay handed over his daughter. "Uncle Jay she's light and tiny."

"You were that tiny too."

"I was?"

"Hey Chase can I talk to Jay? Alone.." Erin asked

"Chase let's go get some ice cream." Kevin told him

"Jay, I need to know if you're okay. I can't have you lashing out. At me Chase or Liv."

"Erin I'm okay. I swear. I don't think the PTSD is gone but it's calming down. I know you're worried about me. There's nothing you have to worry about. I promise." Jay moved the wheelchair closer to her and she leaned over. He kissed her

"Er, I love you."

"You're my husband. I gotta be your backup.."

Their hospital time was cut short. The both of them were able to go home. Jay smiled as he opened the door for Erin and let her in while he carried his daughter. His life was complete.

Jay laughed then looked down at his daughter. "I love you kid. I know I've got a problem but I think you'll help me."

"We are going to get through this together.. We're a family.."

"When I FIRST got home Er.. I was in a bad place. I drank everyday.. I didn't get any help. MOUSE was the only one wh who did. You came along and you helped me.."

"Jay whatever it is you can tell me.. I can handle it."

"I don't think I'm ready for you knowing.. I love you but I can't tell you yet.."

"Jay.."

"No..Y'know I saw Chase again and it it opened up a hole that had been closed. For 10 years. I closed it up. I bottled up my feelings and left them there.. I took it out on a bottle of beer or hard liquor. I didn't know. I would blackout drink every night. That's all I would do.. I didn't remember much. Lex. Mouse and her saved my life. I was poppin' pills making drunk calls. Having sex with women I met at the bar. I just blew it.. My mind was screwed th that case wi with the kid.. Around Christmas is what brought it back. I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to worry.. You were. We were so happy with how life was going you didn't need the extra baggage."

"No matter what Jay I don't care about your past. You've gotten to know my past. I obviously don't care about yours.."

"I'm not proud of who I was. I wasn't the best person. The things I did. I wouldn't want you carrying that."

"Jay. I can handle this. Please." Erin croaked

Her voice cracked. Her husband the man she loved and married. She knew what he went through over there wasn't the best. She knew what he was going through was different than anything else.

"I like to think you could. You've been great handling my outbursts, I I nearly hurt you. I wouldn't be able to live if I had hurt you. I love you I love Olivia and I love Chase."

"Jay… I love you that's why I know I can handle it."

"I don't think you can. Can we just stop talking about this." Jay snapped

Erin walked into the kitchen and opened up the fridge to put the food up.

"Chase, go grab your clothes. I need to wash."

"No. You're not my mom. I don't need to listen to you."

"Chase Alexander Smith." Jay turned around still holding his daughter in his arms.

"What? It's not like you're doing anything to help me. You just let her take the place of my mom." Chase shouted

"Chase. Go to your room. Now." Jay shouted

"No. I'm not gonna listen. You're not my dad. She's not my mom and never will be."

Erin stepped back and let Jay handle it. She knew not to get involved she didn't want Jay dealing with it.

"Chase. I'm not trying to take the place of your mom. I will never be your mom."

"Doesn't matter. YOU STILL ACT LIKE HER. Everything you do, you remind me of her." Chase shrugged "Uncle Jay this is probably why you married her. She reminded you of Mom."

"No. That's not why. Chase go to your damn room." They all heard the door knock. Jay had walked to the door still holding his daughter in his arms and opened it up.

"Jay?"

"Shannon? What are you doing here?"

"I came back from San Diego. I heard about Lex." Erin looked out and smiled .

"Erin this is Shannon. Shannon this is my wife Erin and you already know Chase."

"Jay let me take Liv.." Erin went to grab her once she did Liv started crying for her dad again.

"She's only a week old and already loves you." Erin smiled

"Chase go play in the room." Erin spat

"Okay.." He agreed surprisingly after his outburst.

"Jay so how are you doing since the accident?"

"I've been doing it one day at a time. I was shot a couple months ago. Then We had her a week ago."

"I was gonna send Chase some money but I knew I was gonna come back in town. So I waited. But here his birthday money." She had the card in her hand

"Thanks. Really for coming by. I've missed seeing you."

"I figured you'd want to see me. You seem busy. It's like your life is finally going the way it should be."

"Don't be so sure." Jay mumbled

"I need to change her diaper." Erin smiled

Jay lifted her up into his wife's arms and smiled as he saw her with their daughter.

"Hey Livie. Ready to get fed and changed." Their daughter stared at her like she was crazy.

"I guess not kid." Erin laughed

"Aunt Erin,can I invite Shane and Jordan over? We can go swimming."

"I guess so. Go ask your uncle, then tell him to call their parents."

Chase ran into the living room smiling. "Aunt Shannon."

Chase gave her a hug then stood in front of Jay. "What do you want bud?"

"Can I invite Shane and Jordan over. Aunt Erin said ask you then you can call their parents."

"Sure kid. Shannon I'd love for you to stay but I'm busy right now."

"Yeah. I'll call you." Shannon got up hugged him then watched as Jay walked her out to the car.

"I've missed you Jay. I really have. It was nice seeing you. I am getting married in November. Just a small wedding, I'd love for you and your wife to come. It would really be great. Olivia is adorable."

"Thanks. I will see when the time comes around."

"I'll see you around." Shannon said before getting into her car and driving away. Jay walked back inside and sat down at the table with Erin

"I put the baby down for a nap. Chase can invite his friends over and I guess we can go sit outside and watch them swim. I can invite everyone else over and we can have a family day. I know Kim has been dying to see the baby."

"I guess. I'm sorry about earlier Erin. You don't know how much you mean to me. I take you for granted. I'm sorry."

"Jay.." They both stood up Erin put her hand on his chest for comfort.

"You mean the world to me Er. I treat you like shit. You shouldn't have to go through these nightmares with me. You don't deserve it. You've dealt with so much this is something you shouldn't have to deal with."

"We are married. I married you for a reason. I don't love anyone else if I did I wouldn't have married you, I wouldn't have stuck by you. You mean the world to me. You make me so happy. I wish you were happy. We have a daughter. And she's so lucky to have you as a dad because I know you will treat her like she's the only thing in your world. She's already spoiled from the day you found out about her to seeing you hold her. You were so excited about her. I am so lucky to have you.. I love you."

"I love you too. We could barbeque, and everyone can come over.. Everyone is off."

"Can I hold her?" Kevin asked

"Yeah. I guess. You drop my kid and I'll drop you."

"I'm not gonna drop her Jay. Calm your balls." Kevin laughed as he was handed Olivia,

"Hey kid. I'm your Uncle Kevin and I'm gonna spoil you."

"We all are going to spoil you." Adam said looking over at Kevin's shoulder

"ADAM HOW DARE YOU LEAVE ME OUTSIDE GRABBING THE FOOD WHILE YOU'RE INSIDE WITH THE BEAUTIFUL BABY." Kim shouted

"Yes Darlin'." Adam turned around and smiled

"Cut the crap Adam. Or you're sleeping on the couch tonight."

"How's my beautiful wife?" Adam laughed

"You're so in trouble." Jay muttered under his breath.

Erin grabbed her drink then walked outside and watched as Chase and his friends were playing a game in their pool.

"Hey Er. What are you doing out here? Everyone else is inside."

"I know.. I need a breath of fresh air. Jay.. Before you go. I love you."

"I love you too."


	6. Chapter 6: All I Need

"Jay, Chase and I are going to the gym then the store."

"Alright. I'll be here with Olivia. Will is coming over."

Erin leaned over and gave him a kiss. "I love you Jay."

"Bye Uncle Jay." Chase gave him a hug.

"Be good bud."

WILL walked in the door and saw Jay sleeping on the recliner with Liv in his arms.

"That's a great thing to see."

Will smiled and got his phone out and took a picture then sent it to Erin

"I walked into this."

"Awe." Erin sent back

Jay opened his eyes and saw Will standing in front of him.

"Good morning sleeping beauty. We've got a long day so get up." Jay laughed

"Uh? Where are we going?"

"We've got a two hour ride to Peoria. REMEMBER Family day?"

"Oh my gosh I forgot. Shit. I gotta tell Erin."

"She already knows you'll have Liv all day."

"Okay. Let me get up and get dressed then get Olivia ready. I'm pretty sure Erin left an outfit for me."

WILL bent down and grabbed Olivia from his brother. "Come see Uncle Will." Will smiled as he stared at her.

Olivia looked at him, and grabbed his finger. "Will I think she likes you but y'know she'll always love me more. She doesn't even go to Erin, without crying."

"She likes me. Surprisingly."

Jay laughed as he got up and walked to his daughter's room. Jay and Will had their family reunion in Peoria, a 2 hour drive from Chicago. Where their family was. They hadn't seen their dad, since Jay left for the Army and their little sister was also gonna be there.

Erin was going out for a girl's weekend with Kim Sylvie Gabby Stella and Anna from the ADA's office.

Chase was sleeping by his grandparents and Jay had the baby all weekend. Luckily it all worked out.

"Hey baby girl. You are getting big." Olivia Camille was a month old, now.

Jay grabbed a diaper then grabbed the dress Erin had laid out for him. It was a yellow with pink lady bug dress. He smiled as he gently put his daughter in the dress then put her headband on her head.

"A dress? Really? She's a Halstead."

"She's also a month old and it's July you idiot." Jay snapped back

Will laughed then grabbed the carseat and put her in it then buckled her up snug. Jay grabbed her blanket Hank got her and her stuffed bear Kevin named Deputy.

"Let's go." The two men both got into Jay's truck which had the carseat snap in then headed their way to Peoria.

"Jay how's your PTSD?"

"I don't wanna talk about it." Jay spat

"Jay I'm not trying to get you to tell me anything. I just want to know if it's getting better."

"I guess the nightmares have slowed down. But I've been snapping at everyone. Erin I snapped at Chase and Hank. I haven't had a nightmare since Olivia was born."

"That's good Jay.. She could have stopped it. It's possible."

"Will, I guess so."

"Jay you don't get this much but I'm proud of you. You've come a long way."

"Yeah." Jay slowed down and stopped.

"I don't want my daughter to think. I'm some crazy lunatic."

"Jay.. She won't think that. Abby called.."

"What does she want?"

"Said she needed to see you."

"I don't know why. I haven't spoken to her or seen her since." Jay sighed

"Did you ever tell Erin?"

"No. I didn't. I don't love her. I never loved her as much as I do Erin. Erin's got such a beautiful heart her smile her laugh. The way she crinkles her nose. I couldn't live without her. I couldn't imagine life without her. She changed me. She's made me such a better man. Who I was 10 years ago. That's not who I am now. I am not proud of who I was."

"I know you're not but look where you're now. You've got a beautiful wife, a daughter who loves me more than her uncle and a godson. You may not have Chase or Lex anymore. Brandon but Jay you've come so far. Sure you've got some problems but we all do. Doesn't mean you're any more crazy than I am. I still love you anyway. Your daughter is gonna love you no matter what. Because unlike dad you'll treat her like she's something special. I see the way you interact with her and look at her. Not like something weird but you love her more than anything. You're my little brother Jay."

"Will,all I do know is for Olivia and Chase.. I wanna adopt him. I think that's what Chase and Lex would've wanted. Chase told me his son deserved a dad and he wouldn't be mad if I decided to become Chase's dad. I haven't told Erin because we've been so busy with Olivia and I got out of the hospital."

"Dude tell her Chase deserves a forever home. I mean he's not going anywhere but y'know."

The two hours had past Will and Jay had begun jamming out to music half the time until they got to their destination. Will grabbed the stroller and put his niece in it then Jay strolled it towards the pavillion at the park where his family was.

"Jay Halstead.. Look who decided to visit."

"Tiffany.." Jay said as he walked closer to his sister and gave her a hug.

"How have YOU been?" Tiffany asked

"Great. That's my daughter. Her name is Olivia Camille." Tiffany smiled

"Where's dad?" Will asked

Their dad James looked over and saw the two boys standing there.

"James?" Jay said

"Oh wow. He decided to come. I thought you were too busy with your new wife, and your kids." HIS dad spat

"I'm not here to fight, the only reason I'm here is so you can meet your granddaughter but obviously that's a bad choice."

"Jay I didn't mean it."

"Dad you never mean it. Like I said I don't want to fight."

Jay sighed and picked up his daughter from the stroller and handed her to his younger sister.

"She's precious. Hi Livie I'm your Aunt Tiff. I'm gonna spoil you."

"UNCLE JAY!" His younger nephew shouted

Jay laughed as he turned around "Hey kid."

"Uncle Jay Uncle Will!" Isaiah said

"I missed you kid." WILL said as he gave his nephew a hug

Jay bent down and saw his youngest niece standing there.

"Finley, I missed you a lot."

"I missed you too Uncle Jay. Mommy was gonna let us come see you, but we were too busy." Jay looked up.

"Yeah. I have been busy. Your aunt Erin had a baby."

"She did? Did she have a girl? I want a little girl cousin."

"Yeah she did. Her name is Olivia but I call her Liv or Livie."

"Oh. Isaiah and Parker are mean to me."

"Do I NEED TO kick their asses?" Finley nodded her head

"Yeah." Finley had her arms crossed.

Jay got up and saw Parker sitting alone. He sat down next to him and gave him a wet Willy.

"Hey." as Parker noticed who it was his smile was big.

"Hey kid. Why are you so sad?"

"Mom and you never come around anymore. You are always so busy. Grandpa got a new wife. Who is not as cool as grandma was." Parker was his oldest nephew who was 10. Isaiah was 8 and Finley was 4.

"Yeah I know. Your grandpa doesn't really like me much. But I'm raising my friends KID Chase. He isn't here today he's staying with his grandparents but y'know maybe before school starts I can ask your mom to bring you three over."

"I'd like that."

"I'm sorry I don't come around as often. My wife had a baby. Her name is Olivia. So I've been busy."

"I missed you Uncle Jay. Mom does too. I miss Uncle Brandon."

"I do too kid."

"Everyday I think about him. How he deserves to know all of you. He'd love Liv."

"He would love Liv."

"I know you miss him but we still have Uncle Ryan."

"Eww no. He's gross." Parker laughed

"Parker! He's your uncle." Jay whispered "Quick act like you'r-" Jay smiled at his older brother

"Hello Jay.."

"Hey Ryan.. I haven't seen you in a while."

"Yeah. How have you been? Hey Parker.."

"Hey Uncle Ryan.." Ryan bent down and gave his nephew a hug.

"Where's your kids? Old and grey?"

"No. They are busy on their phones. The twins are 15 and the youngest one is 10."

"Oh wow."

Jay and Tiffany are the youngest Halstead kids. Rather they are twins. Jay's older and Tiffany is a minute younger. Ryan is the oldest he's nearing 46, Will is almost 35, Jay and Tiff are 33. Then Brandon who is a Sergeant in the Army, is 25.

Finley came running over by them. "Uncle Jay."

"Yeah kid?"

"I don't like Uncle Ryan."

"Hey why don't you like him?"

"Because he's mean." She crossed her arms and stood next to Jay.

"I am not mean." She gave her uncle the look in her eyes. The fear.

"Hey Ryan take a walk."

"I'm good."

"I said take a damn walk." Jay shouted then everyone looked over at him

"No."

"Take a damn walk before I make you asshole." Ryan turned around and started walking

"Parker go get your mom and Will." Parker got up and ran towards them

"MOM UNCLE WILL!"

"Hey what's wrong?" Will asked he looked up from his nephew and saw Jay talking to Finley.

"Bud stay here. Tiff come with me."

"He touched me." Finley said

"He what?"

"Uncle Ryan touched me in a bad place. Like a place no one else touches me."

WILL heard the last part and so did Tiffany

"I'm gonna kill him.."

"Jay…"

"No Jay nothing, he touched my niece. He ain't going anywhere. He's going to a GODDAMN jail cell."

"Heyy Mommas here." Tiffany said holding her daughter tight

"Mommy I want daddy."

"Daddy's over there." Finley walked towards him and he picked her up and held her tight.

"I'm sorry baby girl."

"Uncle Brandon?" Parker said his eyes widened. "Uncle Brandon?" He repeated

"Hey kid…"

"Jay what are you doing?" James asked

"Arresting him for touching my niece. That's what I'm doing if you bail him out. I'm throwing you in a jail cell too.." Jay spat throwing the cuffs on his older brother.

"Uncle Jay? What are you doing with Dad?" Jess asked

"He's going to jail, for molesting his niece. He probably did more. I have no clue." Jess' eyes widened and her head fell to the floor and she looked down.

"Jess? Did he do something to you?" Will asked

"I.. I guess."

"Tell that bitch to shut up." Ryan shouted

"THAT BITCH IS YOUR DAUGHTER."

"Ryan HALSTEAD you're under arrest for the molestation of Finley Grace Davis. Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law. You have the right to an attorney if you cannot afford one. One will be given to you." The patrol officer said before shoving him into a patrol car.

Brandon looked at Jay then looked back at his dad.

"What just happened?"

"N nothing. You don't have to worry about anything."

"Jay I deserve to know GODDAMNIT. I spend five freaking years away from this family. I hadn't seen Parker, I only saw Isaiah once and I didn't even see Finley when she was born. I know this family is shit. All we do is fight. You hate dad. Will went awol after Mom. Ryan is a fucking asshole who takes after dad and Tiffany is raising her kids. I left because I couldn't handle this family anymore. I just couldn't survive the fighting. I saw you on facebook. Your daughter and wife are both beautiful. Will Nat and Owen deserve a good guy. Tiff the kids are beautiful, I missed them more than anything. I left. I know. You left Jay. WILL left for New York. Tiffany and Ryan stayed here. I missed all of you."

"I'm sorry Brandon."

"I should be. I left. I left at a bad time. I could have stayed.."

"But you didn't." Jay spat

"I know."

"Mommy is he gone?"

"Yeah kid. He's gone." Jay said

Finley was sitting by Parker who was hugging her.

"Hey Where's Liv?" Jay asked

"Dad had her." Tiffany

"Hey Livie. I'm your grandpa.."

"Dad?" Jay asked

"Yeah?"

"I wanted to hold her. She's my granddaughter."

"Dad.. I'd like to apologize. I guess you deserve one."

"Damn right. I do."

"Dad.. You had no right. You shouldn't have been mad. Mom died then I left."

"You left at the worse time. So did your damn brother."

"Sorry Dad. I needed to."

"Brandon I need you to meet someone.."

"Do you and Jay want more kids?" Gabby asked

"Eventually. I'd love a boy. I've got one of each.."

"Who's this cutie?" Brandon asked, Liv's eyes lit up with excitement.

"Olivia Camille…" Jay said smiling big

"She's adorable Jay. Come see Uncle Brandon."

A week later. Jay sat in the bullpen watching everyone walk up. He had just gotten there. He sat there like nothing had happened. Hank looked at him then looked at Al.

"Jay?"

"What?" Jay shouted he looked up pissed.

"I only said your name. If you wanna give me an attitude there's the door."

"I' was I don't know. It's the PTSD.. It hasn't gone away yet. The nightmares have slowed down."

"Jay I'm sorry. I know you're going through something. Having to arrest your brother."

"He isn't my brother. He doesn't deserve the Halstead name. I don't care what anybody says. He raped my nieces.. god knows what else happened.."

Later that night Jay had come in after going to Molly's for a beer. Erin was sitting on their bed feeding Olivia.

"Hey Daddy." Erin waved to him

"I missed y'all today." Jay said

"Rough day?" Jay nodded his head

"Yeah.."

"I think I'm gonna stay at Will's.. Just until this blows over, I got mad at Hank today. I just think I need some time. I don't want too.. but I have to."

"Jay.. I can handle it. I've been handling it well.."

"You have BEEN handling IT AMAZING baby. I just need some time away. Every time I look at Chase I see his dad's face. I see his Mom. I love you."

"Jay, you don't have too. Liv needs her dad."

"I know she does but I'm not okay. I'm not fine.."

"I love you Jay."

"You know what you're ight. I've been handling it so great. I'm gonna stay. I just don't want to hurt you."

"You will never hurt me. I promise."

"I wanna adopt Chase. I want him to be a Halstead. He never will be blood but I've learned blood doesn't matter. What matters is who was there for you. I found my family.. it's not the one with my name. They aren't too much of a family."

"Jay you've got Chase Olivia and myself.."

"You are all I need." Jay leaned over and kissed her

 **I am posting this chapter right before I go to bed, and It's a good idea because I am pissed but Jay's storyline? It somehow fits this story the irony of how I posted it and when the storyline came out. But I hope you enjoyed this chapter please please review. I literally want to update more when I get one.**

Love Madison


	7. Chapter 7: Back to You

Jay laid in the bed his mind went straight back to the day in Korengal Valley. He couldn't register what had happened. It was a blur.

Until he saw a body lying there. He didn't know who it was, and he rather not know. He looked over and noticed it was Mouse

"MOUSE?" He shouted

Jay bent down and felt the blood on his friend's chest. He saw the gunshot wound, he burst into tears.

"I I I NEED SOME HELP!" Jay shouted

"I need some help." He shouted

Erin was sound asleep next to him he looked over and smiled at his wife he got up out of bed and walked to the bathroom quiet as he could be.

He didn't leave her, he stayed. Because he knew she could handle it, but he still wasn't sure she really could. He could handle hers but she couldn't.

They had gotten married in May, in a beautiful church Jay had grown up at. They honeymooned on a cruise and when they came back they decided to focus on their jobs, until right at the worst and the best time Erin had gotten pregnant. Jay had thought. Once the baby came to their lives had been changed but months before they got custody of his nephew.

Jay got out of bed and walked to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water. He sat down at the table and chugged it. Once he finished it, Jay walked back to the hallway and saw Chase sitting on his bed as his door was open.

"Hey kid what's wrong?"

"Nothing. I I was just going back to bed. I miss her Uncle Jay."

He walked closer to his nephew, got on his bed and pulled him in for a hug. He held him as he began crying.

"I miss her too kid. I'm sorry she's not here. I'm sorry your dad isn't either."

"She was here one day then the next she wasn't. She was laughing because she wanted to take me to Disney then she was dead. Why couldn't God take someone else… I don't get it. It's not fair."

"This shouldn't have happened to you kid. Your dad should still be here, I should have gone. I'm sorry they aren't here. I know I can't take the place of either one of them but I promise to always protect you. I love you more than anything."

"I miss her." Jay tightened his hug and held his nephew tightly.

"I know you do kid."

"Uncle Jay? Why aren't you asleep?"

Jay looked down "I had a nightmare. I couldn't sleep well."

"Did the boogeyman come for you?" Jay let out a soft chuckle

"Yeah… I guess he did."

"Can you sleep with me tonight?" Jay nodded his head and grabbed another pillow then laid down and started to fall back asleep. Until his phone rang.

"Jay. You gotta get down to the district. We caught a case." Hank said

Jay slowly got up and watched as Chase slept peacefully. He leaned over and kissed his head then walked out of the room. He took a quick shower and walked out the house around 3:30 am. He left Erin Chase and Livie a note then left.

Jay stopped for coffee then sat in traffic for a couple of minutes before making his way to the crime scene.

It was a little boy, nearly 10 years old. His face seemed familiar to the 34-year-old man standing over him. His neck was cut with a rope it seemed like, but Jay wasn't for sure what happened. His pants were tore, and his body was bruised. Jay put his hand over his mouth as he heard a mom shouting

"Is that is that Ben?" The voice was familiar to the young 23-year-old standing over the small seven years old. Jay looked up and saw Mrs. Corson, his girlfriend's mom.

"Jay… is that him?"

"I'm sorry," Jay said

"Mrs. Corson… I I'm sorry. I I came too late."

"I I came too late," Jay said

"THATS MY BABY. MY SON. JACKSON DAVIS." Jay turned around and recognized her

"Miss Davis? I'm Detective Jay Halstead.. and Chase's Uncle."

"Detective wh-what happened?" Kevin held her back and held her in his arms as she burst into tears.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Davis, I I came too late." The mom nodded her head, then took a step back.

"Hank."

"Yeah?"

"I'm going to take Ruzek with me to the morgue. We'll talk to the coroner." Ruzek laughed

"Sure we will."

"C'mon Ruzek."

"So you think he was molested?"

"I don't think I know he was. The ligature marks on his neck. Those are from a rope, there are bruises down on his groin. I don't know what happened but I can just tell that he was molested and hurt badly." The coroner said

"Whoever did this I'm gonna kill them." Jay spat

By the time Erin woke up it was 9 am. Chase had gone back to bed and slept later than he usually did. Erin noticed Jay wasn't there then she saw the note on the counter.

"Great."

"What's great Erin?" Chase asked as he wiped his eyes walking towards the kitchen

"Your uncle caught a case so I guess it's just us three today."

"Oo can we go to the park? And I can invite Jack over?" Erin nodded her head

"Yeah, I will call his mom. Let me go get Liv up."

"Okay." Erin stepped away and dialed the number

"Hello? Is this Steph?"

"Yeah. Is this Chase's aunt?"

"Yeah. He was wondering if Jack would like to come over. They'd go swimming and I was going to bring them to the park."

"Oh…Jackson is busy today. I'm sorry. Maybe another time."

"Y-yeah I'll tell him.."

"How's the baby?" Stephanie asked

"She's great. Been sleeping all night most of the time. I'm glad she is."

"Okay, I gotta go. Thanks for inviting him."

"Was that my wife?" Jay asked

"Chase asked if Jack could go over," Steph said

Steph burst into tears once more as Jay held her.

"Hey hey it's alright."

"I don't have my son anymore. How is that alright?"

"I I don't. I'm sorry."

"Jay.. we got a hit," Olinsky said

"I'm coming. Steph I'll be back." She nodded her head.

Erin rolled the stroller towards the park and watched Chase play with his friend Sam and Finn.

Jay held the rifle in his hand and stopped to let Kevin kick the door down. His heart was racing as he was watching two people snort crack. He took a deep breath of air then kept moving as Ruzek and Tony arrested them. Jay kicked the door down to one of the rooms and saw a man older than him touching a little boy.

Jay slung the rifle around his body and bolted for the man. Who didn't notice him there Jay pulled him off and pinned him to the ground?

"You like hurting kids?" The guy didn't say anything. He was frozen to the ground.

"N-no I wasn't doing that."

"Tell that to the judge."

"I wasn't hurting them I was just."

 _Jay's face; filled with sweat and his heart raced faster than a racin' horse_. His body ached with pain from his heart and just being sore. One thing stood out to Ruzek who had just opened the door.

His face was blank his body froze on top the guy. Pinning him down

He hadn't felt this way since he found Ben lying on the ground. Dead unresponsive not moving.

"Get off of me." Ruzek rushed towards the kid and held him in his arms

"Hey bud I'm Officer Ruzek.. can you tell me your name?"

"Easton.." He said softly

"Why what's your last name?" He was obviously smaller than 7 and bigger than 4… Adam thought he was about 5

"I-I don't know." He said

Adam looked at Jay. "I-I don't know what to do with him.."

"Ruz just bring him out. We'll figure it out. First I'm gonna kill this pedophile."

"I'm not a pedophile I wasn't molesting the kid."

"It sure as hell looked like it to me." Jay spat spitting in his face as he brought him up from the ground handcuffed.

Jay walked out of the GMC Sierra and noticed a familiar face standing against the door as he was walking into the building. Kevin stopped and watched Jay, but walked away from the building.

"Abby?"

"Hey. I've missed you, Jay."

"Abby look. I can't talk. I'm on the job.."

"Oh Okay… Can you call me. Please."

Jay walked into the district to see Sergeant Lowe standing there with Hank in the office. Jay walked back to the interrogation room sitting across from the criminal.

In that little boy's eyes, he saw Chase. He saw a kid who never gives up even when times get tough. He saw someone who even at his weakest still kept the ball rolling.

"I don't get this.." Jay said

"I don't either. I was wrongfully arrested."

"NO THE FUCK YOU WEREN'T!" Jay pushed the table back and shouted.

"Oh, you don't know about anything."

"I don't? I saw you fucking molested that boy. You know what happens to pedophiles in prison? They get killed." The guy spits in his face. Jay Leaped across the table and slapped him.

"Ow." He spat

"Yeah well, that boy will be a lot more injured than you will ever be." He spits in his face once more than Jay wrapped his hands around his neck.

"Does this hurt? Like I saw you doing to the boy? I hope to god it does."

Jay squeezed, once he saw him heaping for air Jay let go. Hank walked into the door and saw the guy lying on the ground. Still alive

"Jay, what the hell happened?"

Jay looked up.. Fear in his eyes.

"I freaked okay. I I didn't kill him I just I don't know Hank."

"Jay.."

"I'm gonna go."

"It's best if you do.."

Jay walked into the house threw his keys down walked to the fridge grabbed a beer then sat down on the couch.

Erin and Chase weren't home so it was just him, drowning himself in a bottle of booze. He regretted what had just happened but there was nothing he could do except wait. Wait until he found out some news.

He knew he'd had to be up against the review board. Just didn't know when. By the time Erin got home she had already found out about it. Had already wondered what Jay had gotten himself into but she knew if she was in his place she would have done the same. All of the team would have. IT was like nothing made sense.

"Jay.." Jay was nowhere to be found. Erin's heart stopped and she looked at Chase who didn't know what was going on. Jay had left the house.

His wife didn't know who to call but Kevin and Antonio were already at her house the minute she did call.

"Aunt Erin, Olivia wants you," Chase said Erin bent down and grabbed her daughter from Chase who was holding her.

"Erin."

"What the hell happened?"

"He. I He went batshit on this pedophile. We tried stopping him but it was too late."

"What did he do?" Erin spat

"He nearly killed the guy. He nearly choked him to death. The guy is fine. I don't know about Jay. I don't know where he went.. But I know who we could call." Antonio walked out of the house and dialed a familiar number for a face only Jay knew.

Mouse had found him sitting down in his usual spot. The cemetery. Mouse knew where he'd be, as anytime he broke down. He was here.

"Jay." Mouse said softly.

"Hey let's get you home.." It was dark and rainy, and his friend was all wet.

"I think I'm good."

"No, you're not. Jay stops lying to yourself. You've got a wife and a daughter at home looking for you to return."

"What's the point? The demon won. All I do is bring heartbreak to people who don't deserve me. I don't deserve Erin. I don't deserve Chase or Liv. They don't deserve me they don't deserve the perfect image of me. I don't deserve them. They don't deserve to have heartbreak every time I turn around. I don't care what you or anybody says. All I do is let them down. I let Erin down by leaving, I let Liv and Chase down by not being the best I can be. Mouse I I'm turning into my dad. He never talked to me, never acknowledged me. I didn't want kids for that reason. I'm just like him, Ryan raped his daughter and niece. .Brandon left, Will left. Tiffany never wanted to be alive. I am just a burden."

"Jay Jay. You're not. Quit this shit. I don't know where you got all of that from. You deserve Erin. You deserve those kids. The demon hasn't won yet. You can't let him win. The demon got Chase. I lost him. I ain't losing you. I can't lose you. Erin, those kids can't. You can't let this demon win."

"I can though. It already won." Jay spat pushing Mouse out of the way. He was falling down the ground, his legs were shaking, and he could barely breathe. His heart was pounding hard against his chest. And his hand could barely open the truck door.

"Jay, if you go now you'll lose Erin."

"She doesn't even deserve me. It's not worth it."

"You're so wrong. You know who was worried about you? She was. She called Kev and Tony. Frantically, crying. She loves you and if you deny that. You sure as hell don't deserve her. She loves you more than that kid, more than herself. Jay. She's worried sick call her, tell her she means something. I know what you are going through."

Jay rolled his eyes. "No, you don't. Everyone acts like they know what I'm going through."

"Jay you're talking to me who spent way more years overseas than you did." Mouse pushed him

"Y'know Mouse. Just go. I don't want you here. I sure as hell don't need you in my life."

"Good, Maybe I will. Fall in the dirt, you gotta fall before you realize we're only here to help."

Jay walked away from the truck and sat down on the ground. He didn't know how to call Erin or anyone for that matter.

He was broken inside, fear filled his eyes it filled and contained his body. He couldn't get rid of it, his whole heart broke, he didn't know how to ask for someone's help.

Erin didn't know what he was going through. She had, to be honest with herself.

"Chase.."

"Yeah, Mom?"

"Chase. You just called me.." Chase nodded her head.

"I know. What do you need?"

"Can you help me with Olivia. I need to answer this call." It was from an unknown number. She heard hard breathing on the other side. Her heart stopped

"Erin." She recognized the voice. Suddenly everything was right in the world.

It Hung up, ten minutes later. There was a knock on the door. Erin bolted for it and slammed it open.

Her body and her arms held him tight against her body.

Her heart pounded against his chest, while he was too. His breath stunk of beer, but she didn't care. He was home. He ran back to her.

"I I'm sorry."

"Shh. Don Don't talk."

Erin's arms held him tight, and she didn't let go.

"I need help. I am sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I almost ruined the one thing I had going for me."

"We haven't left you, Jay."

"I'm I'm not talking about that. I had a wife…" Jay looked away. "Before you. Sh-She came back.."

 **I finally have a chapter up, I'm finally on summer break but I'll be on so many trips I really don't know when I'll be able to write. I'll get a chapter up as soon as I can write it. Knowing myself That's what I'll do tonight. Thank you for the outpouring love of this** story.. **It means a** lot.. **It really does...**

Please Review!

-Madds detchuckles


	8. Chapter 8: Love Ain't

**I'm like 100% sure it has been a year since this story has been updated and for that I apolgize. Life the past year has been the most hectic and I haven't had much time to write or update. I am a Junior in high school and am involved with student council so that comes first. I really appreciate y'all taking the time to read my stories. It means a lot, and I thought I would give it up but I can't have help with somethingn even I haven't created yet so I'm gonna let my imagination go wild so I can write..**

 _"When you wanna lose yourself_ _And need a place to hide from all the pain_ _But love ain't"_

Erin's eyes lingered around.. Then locked eyes on Jay. Her heart raced. And her body was breathing hard.

"You what?"

"It meant nothing. She meant nothing."

"Jay.. You married this girl.. You got a divorce? And now you wanna tell me?"

"Erin.. Look. I know I screwed up. I'm sorry.."

Erin took a deep breath, and looked away as she started crying. "I trusted you Jay. I let you live your life. I had a baby with you. I married you. And y you wanna tell me that you were married?"

"Erin let me explain."

"N..NO. I'm leaving. I'm taking Liv. I I just need a couple of days."

"Erin… Don't go. I can't lose you. Please.. I'm sorry.."

"Jay.. Don't.. Just don't.." Erin spat as she walked back to her daughter's room where she slept peacefully. Erin took a deep breath and grabbed her from the crib, and held her tightly in her arms as she then put her in the carseat.

"I I don't know what you wanna do with Chase. I don't care. I just need a couple of days."

"Erin.. D Don't take her. Please don't go. Let me explain. I can't lose you and her. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I didn't want to resurface what had already resurfaced Er. I just couldn't. The memory of her is bad. We were like fire and gasoline. It was just a stupid wedding in Vegas. She means nothing. She never meant much.. You mean more to me than anything in this house, in this world. I can't lose you. I lost you once I promised myself I would never lose you again."

"Jay.. I'm going to stay at Hank's.." His heart broke.. He not only probably lost his job but he lost he only good thing he had going for him.. His kid and his wife.

In this moment Chase was just a memory in the back of his mind.. He walked out the door with Erin.

"Aunt Erin.. I'm coming with."

"Chase."

"No.. Just let me come."

"Chase.. I can't lose you too." Jay said

Chase got into the car with his backpack and sat there as Jay continued to burst into tears.

Antonio and Kevin were still standing there watching him.

"I lost the only thing I had going for me." Jay said

"Jay.."

"No. Just forget about it. I don't wanna talk about it."

"Jay.. You gotta talk about it? You come home drunk as hell, telling your wife you were married?" Antonio said pushing Jay back.

"Tony.. Don't you start."

"No. Jay I'm allowed too. You come home. I get it. Jay I really do. I get those demons wanna play with your head.. You're letting them win. They got you today.. I know that wasn't you today. Nearly killing that guy. We all have those days. I know that you would never do that."

"You saw that kid's face. I mean he was freaking murdered. That could have been Diego. That could have been Jordan.. Chase. It could have been any of them. Don't you dare tell me if that was your kid you wouldn't. I blew it. I know. I know I can get my job back but Erin. I don't know."

"Jay."

"Erin loves you. Don't deny it."

"But if she loved me she wouldn't have walked out."

"She didn't know how to react.. You come home after being god knows where. And tell her you were married your ex wife had come back. Jay.. you just put this on her. Her plate is already filled. From just having Livie, to raising your nephew. I don't know if I can get inside that head of yours but her leaving is a good thing. IT'll make you stop and think about what you've been doing. I know about your PTSD. I know you've got a problem but you can't expect us to help you if you just treat us like shit. I know you can't control it and I'm not asking you to control because you can't. My Brother was in this place after he came back from Iraq. I saw it first hand how it affected him but he let the demon win. He killed himself not long after he came back. I know you probably don't understand a word I'm saying."

"So? She still walked out. Tony. I thought I was doing a good thing telling her."

"Then." Antonio pushed him. "Tell her,show her how much you love her goddamnit. I don't know what to tell you.. You did this. This is your fault."

"I'm sorry. I screwed up. I know I know I did."

"Damn Right."

Jay walked out of the door with his keys in his hands. "Oh hell no you're not going anywhere." Kevin pushed him back into the house.

"You can't stop me!"

"The hell I can't. Jay you're not getting yourself killed. Erin,Chase and Liv needs you. I don't care what anybody says. I'm not letting you kill yourself."

"I'm perfectly fine to drive."

"Oh no you're not." Kevin took a deep breath as Tony threw him the keys for the truck, Jay got into the backseat as Tony and Kevin got into the front.

"We'll just drive you to Hank's.."

 **000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

"Where's Erin?"

"Jay.." Hank said

"Can you just go…" Erin shouted.

"Erin! I'm sorry. I'm sorry I should have told you, but I didn't want to open up that part of my past!"

"Jay just go. I don't want to see you."

"You're being a bitch." Jay shouted

"I am?! Am I the one who didn't want to tell their wife they were married, am I the one who just keeps acting like everything is my fault. Jay. I am not being the bitch. I have tried I leave you alone, I help you through everything and anything I get is hell. I had a baby with you. I took in your nephew. I don't want to hear I am a bitch."

"I'm sorry okay. I'm sorry." Erin was crying, and her heart pounded with pain.

"Just go. I don't want to see you."

"Erin. Come here." Jay said

Erin stepped back away from Jay. Back into the house she grew up in.

"Jay. Please just go."

"Erin.. I'm Sorry. I didn't mean it."

"Why did you say it then? Obviously you must have meant it. You said it."

"Uncle Jay.." Chase said

"Hey bud..Come here I'm sorry."

"No.. I think I'm good.. is that wife why Mom wouldn't let you see me?" Chase asked

"I don't know.. Chase I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."

Hank enraged, stepped back watching him. Jay stepped forward and pulled Erin in for a hug..

He grabbed her cheeks and gave her one last kiss before Erin backed away. "I'm sorry I broke your heart. I'm sorry I didn't worry about you before. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about it. I'm sorry I left. I'm sorry I called you all those things. I love you. I love Chase I love Olivia. I don't deserve you, you were too good to be true.. I didn't think you'd ever be mine. I'm sorry. I'll see you later… Take all the time."

Hank sighed as he closed the door. "Erin. I know you love that boy. I know he loves you. Maybe you two just need time away from each other.."

"I guess. Hank. He's the only one who's ever loved me."

"Erin you take a break. Come back but I'm gonna tell you this. Don't let him go. He needs you Erin and you need him. I know it's hard to hear but a break is much needed. You need to think about Liv. You need to think about Chase. I know he's not your blood son, but he is yours.."

"I know I just don't. Liv deserves a dad.."

"And she'll have one. Erin if anything Jay just needs some time off. He'll realize what mistakes he made. I know it. Trust me on this one kid."

Erin showed a half smile.

"Jay.."

"Just go. I don't need y'all here."

"Jay." Antonio spat

"Just fucking go." He shouted throwing the beer bottle to the floor,

"We are gonna go." Kevin said

"You're up against the review board in a few days."

Jay looked at him, with his eyes showing something he had not let anyone see. His voice cracked "Does it look like I care? I wanna be alone. I lost the best thing that ever happened to me."

"No you didn't.."

"I did. I lost Erin I lost Olivia I lost Chase. I lose the best things to happen to me. I lose everyone."

"Jay you did this to yourself."

Kevin and Tony left the house and he was left alone. His body ached with a pain he'd never felt before and his smile was no longer there and there was no reason for it to be…. he had heard a knock louder than one he's heard before

 _I wanna be left alone._ The voice in his head told him

"Hello?" Jay said softly

"Jay…"

"Abby?"

"I'm sorry." Abby was apologizing. "Will called me. Told me I ruined your marriage.."

"You did a lot more than that. Look I don't really wanna talk or see you."

"I understand that but can you just look at me for a few seconds hear me out."

"I-" Jay was interrupted

"Jay I'm sorry. I probably open a hole that you didn't want opened. I'm sorry I was not the best. I'm sorry you loved me more Than yourself. I'm sorry I never loved you. I'm sorry I left. I'm sorry I ruined your marriage… I hope life is treating you well. I just hope you're lovin' life. I know when you met me you didn't. I know why. Chase had just died. Brandon.."

"Don't mention Chase's name. He doesn't deserve to be in your mouth. I don't wanna talk so please just go I may not have a job, or a wife or a daughter."

"You have a daughter?" Abby asked curiously

"Yeah she-she's beautiful. She's got her mom's nose. And my big blue eyes. I am one lucky guy. My wife she's the best thing that ever happened to me, she helps me. She inspires me. I love her." Erin had driven up and overheard what he said

"I bet she does. Jay if you ever wanna talk.. you know where to find me."

"Look." Jay looked up and saw Erin. "I don't want you back here. You've already done enough damage. So just stay away."

"I I understand." Abby said walking away disappointed

"Jay."

"Erin...I'm sorry."

"I shouldn't have blown up on you."

"No this is all my fault I flipped out. I shouldn't have. Baby you deserve the best I I haven't given you my all these last couple of months. I know it's been hard because of the baby and my ptsd coming back. I love you. I never wanna lose you. I did tonight I blew it with you. You are the best thing to ever happen to me. I'm the luckiest guy alive. I've got the most beautiful wife, the most beautiful daughter and a son who deserves the world."

"Chase.."

"I wanna adopt him. He deserve a forever home. I wanna give him one. His dad told me I could. I didn't want to bring it up because of Liv being so young but I wanna be the one to fill his dad's shoes. I wanna be the one he goes to when trouble goes his way. I wanna do it all.."

"Jay."

"Erin. I love you I want more kids with you. I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. I married you. I don't love anyone but you. I mean I love Chase and Liv but you're my the only one my heart has it out for."

"Jay let's just take a break please. I think we both need it. More than anything."

"I don't need a break I just need you. I miss you and only you."

"Jay we need time I can't sit here anymore watching you break. You need help…"

"I don't need help. I never have never will. I don't get why that's so hard to understand."

"Don't fight me on this Halstead.." She placed her hand on his chest. "We need a break, you need to talk to someone. Dr. Charles, Will someone. Get it all out, I promise it will help. I love you but we both need this no matter how much this will break our hearts." Jay took a deep breath then backed away.

"I can do it. I am sorry. I didn't mean it, but we do need this break I guess."

They hugged for a couple of minutes before Erin drove back to Hank's and Jay was left alone to think about all the decisions he's made.

 _I can show you what love ain't_

 **I am thankful you choose to read my stories, I am thankful you choose to support me. Now thank you for reading this I will have a chapter up soon. Anyone who's been with me since the beginning I cannot thank you enough because you got me to the place I am in right now.**

 **With love,**

 **Madison**


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